heartbeat

when i was pregnant with ezra, adam and i decided to invest in a doppler.  with henry, we’d bought one of those cheap ones you can find at babies ‘r us and all it did was annoy us with it’s staticky noise and uselessness.  after learning our lesson with the cheap one, we sprung for the expensive, medical doppler that i’d found on amazon.  i had to purchase transmission gel, this was the real deal.  in fact, after buying it, we noticed that my obstetrician had the exact same one.  it gave me hope that this one would really work.

 

i’ll never forget when we found ezra’s heartbeat the first time.  from inside my still tiny womb, the loud and strong sound of a beating heart.  a baby.  we already loved this little being, but hearing his heartbeat, it was like a song.  his song to us, in the only words he had:  beats in his heart.  with no other way to communicate with us, no other way to ease our fears, this was his way of telling us, “i’m here, i’m okay, be still.”  it was beautiful and moving and amazing.  i would listen to him whenever i was having a bad day, or just needed reassurance because i couldn’t yet feel his body move within mine.  it was truly the best purchase we’d ever made.  you can’t put a price on knowing that your baby is full of life, pumping blood, living peacefully inside your womb.

 

at this point, i’m about 11 weeks along.  usually, you can find a heartbeat with a doppler around 12 weeks.  many times, doctors/midwives will try and find the heartbeat earlier on with the doppler and often, they can’t.  once you hit about 12 weeks, it becomes much easier because they baby is bigger and therefore not as tricky to find.  we pulled out the doppler a few weeks ago, and couldn’t find the heartbeat.  i knew it was far too early, but there was a glimmer of hope inside me that i’d get lucky (that should’ve been my first clue:  i never, ever get lucky.  ever.)  i wasn’t scared that we didn’t find baby’s heartbeat, but i was a little disappointed even though i knew it was a long-shot.

 

two nights ago, papa and i had gone to dinner for our date night and when we got back, my bladder was full.  see, adam had done all sorts of research after our failed attempt at finding the heartbeat and had discovered that it’s easier if 1) your bladder is full, and 2) you use more transmission gel than you think is appropriate.  i figured that it was the perfect time because i really had to pee.  i laid down, squirted some gel on my belly, and started searching.  i just had a robe on because i was planning on getting into pajamas, so ezra thought me lying on the couch with my boobs exposed was an invitation for him to nurse.  he came running up to me, clapping, and latched on while standing up next to me.  i let him for a minute, then papa distracted him with something so i could continue on my noble quest.  i moved the wand around, back and forth, through the gel, and back again.  i crossed my pelvis, up and down, around and around.  nothing.  papa suggested that i use more gel, but in previous instances when i’d used too much gel, it seemed like it would create static on the doppler.  i begrudgingly squirted more of the cold goo onto my pelvis and then it happened….i found it.

 

ba dump, ba dump, ba dump, ba dump.

 

papa came from behind the kitchen, henry ran from the other side of the living room.

 

ba dump, ba dump, ba dump, ba dump.

 

ezra was by my head, he was talking in his special language to me, excitement oozing from his voice yet he didn’t know why.

 

ba dump, ba dump, ba dump, ba dump.

 

it brought us all together, quiet, awed, amazed, relieved.  how just a sound, a thumping heart just doing it’s job can bring a group of people that love each other together, peacefully, quietly.  how a sound can symbolize so much.  a new life, vitality, a baby, dreams and hopes and a new voice with a new soul that we haven’t met yet.  it’s the first contact, the first tangible discovery of the existence of this sweet being you’ve longed for and hoped for and waited so long for.  we listened forever.  papa recorded it on his iphone camera, but he was so excited, shaking initially, he accidentally took five pictures of my nakedness lying on the couch in the open robe (they were deleted).  i think i’ve watched that video about ten million times.  i added a clip from the video to my facebook page, so if you’d like to hear the baby’s heartbeat and ezra speaking in ezranese, add me and you can.

 

 

 

 

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  • Alyson

    The sweetest sound. Thank you for reminding me of the emotions I felt the first time I heard each of my girls. So happy for you.

    • admin

      you are so welcome, my dear friend. it really is the most beautiful sound.

  • http://thisenchantedpixie.com Polly

    beautiful. what a precious memory to treasure ❤❤

    • admin

      thank you so very much, sweet friend <3

  • http://babyschneider.wordpress.com Hawley

    Ohhh Tricia, how wonderful! Hahaha I love that Adam got so excited that he took pictures. Sounds can be so sweet and meaningful. Delighted your sweet baby is doing fine and so so happy for you all. I’m just sad I’m no longer on Facebook and am missing out on hearing it – and the Ezraease!!! haha love you!!!

    • admin

      i’ll text you the video!!!! i’m pretty sure i have your phone number, right?? if not, i can email you my number!

  • Meg (@sleepynewmommy)

    This is my first time stopping by from Instagram, but wow. This made me cry. I’m so very excited for your sweet family. I wish we had purchased a Doppler this last pregnancy. After so many problems, I was constantly worried about my little man. I would have loved to hear him singing to me!

    • admin

      thank you so much for coming by! i’m so happy you did :) if or when you get pregnant again, you’re more than welcome to borrow mine! and thank you for such kind words. i’m so sorry your last pregnancy was so tough.

  • http://www.skymommy.com Abigail

    Oh such a beautiful sound. Definitely one of my favorite moments from this pregnancy was hearing it for the first time. Congratulations, so happy you got to hear your sweet little one’s heartbeat.
    Abigail recently posted…Thanks teenage meMy Profile

    • admin

      thank you so much! isn’t it just the most amazing thing? it really is such a beautiful moment, hearing it for the first time. thank you for coming by!

  • http://birdnestegg.com/ Ashlee D

    Oh that sound! I have to go find your recording now but I’m loving the picture you paint. How vivid my own memory of that first listen is with each of my babes. Still oozing with happiness that this is your reality!
    Ashlee D recently posted…Back in BusinessMy Profile

    • admin

      i can’t thank you enough for your words, my dear friend. each and every time i hear that little heart just beating away, pumping life blood into another beautiful new life, it’s like the first time i’ve ever heard it. i love your comment, it made my day. you always make my day.