15 weeks already. really? when did that happen?
each pregnancy seems to move forward more quickly than it’s predecessor, not stopping or slowing, so i’m trying to enjoy every moment. i know this isn’t our last but because each pregnancy is a different experience, a chance to really get comfortable in your own skin and feel fully the awe and amazement that growing new life brings, i want to stew in that. in this baby’s pregnancy, this baby’s time in my womb, this baby’s turn to change our lives. even through my “morning” sickness, i still was happy. sick, but happy. i’m feeling movement, but because my uterus is a bit anterior, i don’t feel them as early as some other third time mamas would. but i do feel this little being and love when it moves just so, saying hi from the inside.
ezra points to my belly and says, “bebeeee” which melts me to my core. henry says he’s not excited when strangers or people he’s not familiar with ask, but when family asks or people he loves, he’ll openly admit that he’s very excited for his baby sister to get here. yes, henry is convinced there’s a baby girl in there. he also thought ezra was a boy, so who knows? really, there’s a 50/50 shot he’s right so it’s not some mystical, intuitive miracle of brotherhood that he correctly predicted ezra. i think there’s a part of me that wants to believe him, but i can’t. i can’t even think this is a baby girl.
with henry, i knew. there was never any doubt in my mind that i was carrying our first, precious baby boy. i wanted a boy and was thrilled that it was, and it was confirmed at our 20-week ultrasound. it was no surprise to me, but papa was so excited. he said he didn’t want to believe me because he wanted a boy so badly. he didn’t want to jinx it. papa so desperately longed for a little boy, a buddy to watch spring training games with, teach baseball and basketball to, go fishing with. so he refused to believe me in his heart of hearts, and hid away his longing in a pocket of his soul that no one knew about, and he rarely looked into.
maybe i want a baby girl so badly, that i can’t even utter the words that it might be one. or maybe it’s because i’m utterly terrified of having a girl. i’m terrified of having a daughter that causes me the pain i caused my mother in my teen years, and in my early twenties. i’m terrified of her having all the worst parts of me: my insecurity, my fears, my addictive tendencies, my pessimism, my impatience. i’m terrified of her being….me.
i don’t know if i can be a mother to a girl, not like i can be a mother to a boy. i’m terrified of failing a daughter, and maybe that is why i’ve always said i’d love to have a gaggle of boys. that i’ve always claimed to not want a girl. that both times, when we found out the gender of the life growing inside me, i was so relieved and happy it was a boy. with ezra, i had bleeding at 11 weeks, so an ultrasound was done at my OB’s office when i was 12 weeks. the ultrasound tech, that claimed that she was excellent at determining gender early and had a stellar track record, told us that we were having a girl. she was 90% sure and told us she was well-known for her abilities.
then our sweet baby girl sprouted a penis by the 20-week ultrasound. but between week 12 and week 20, i bought baby girl clothes and precious girly things. and the entire time, in the back of my head, it didn’t feel right. i never, ever truly released into the excitement, let it overcome me and ride it’s waves of elation. i just knew that the baby i was carrying wasn’t who we thought it was. it wasn’t, and i’m so thankful that it was our amazing free spirit, ezra atticus. maybe it was that i was so afraid that it was a girl, i couldn’t let myself love the idea: a baby girl in my arms, in our life. maybe i had no idea what the hell was going on in there, just that if it was actually a girl, i wasn’t prepared and denial was my coping mechanism. either way, it all leads me to where i am now.
at the beginning of this pregnancy, i was sure we were having boy number three. certain, in fact. but as this pregnancy progresses, something is changing. my soul feels like it’s doing some major transformational work right now. could this tiny precious be a girl? maybe my heart is changing to show me the way to girl-mamahood. because when i type that this may be a sweet baby girl? i’m not scared. there’s a peace there that hasn’t been, as recently as a few weeks ago. maybe god is preparing my heart and soul for a girl. maybe he’s preparing me for something else entirely. maybe this is the change a third child brings, turning it all on it’s end, upside-down and twisted around. all i know is that this baby is going to be loved and welcomed and i’m so happy that this being is with me. i’m lucky. boy or girl, as long as our baby is healthy, all i am is blessed. i love my boys and being a boy-mom, but god will give me whatever i need to be a mother to this baby, whoever he or she is. i may not have it now, i may not have it as i’m going into labor. but i know that god won’t give me something i can’t handle without his grace and peace to surround me and envelop me when the time comes.
we’ve waited so long for you, sweet angel. whoever you are, you are perfect and our love for you overflows and overwhelms us.