the state of things

people keep asking me how i’m doing.  texts from well-meaning friends.  voicemail messages left by people that i can assume are a bit relieved that i didn’t answer.  because no one knows quite what to say.  some days i’m okay, and looking at ezra’s blonde ringlets bounce as he runs is enough.  or henry’s gap-toothed smile and sweet stories are enough.  and other days, nothing is enough.  not reading my devotional or watching the boys play or an embrace from papa.  it’s such a strange bedfellow, this grief.  it’s sneaky, like a transparent twin that you can’t see so you think it’s gone.  but it’s never gone, just silent for a little while.  then i’ll be walking in target and see a pregnant woman and it’s all i can do not to scream right there in the middle of the candle aisle.

 

anything surrounding the creation of a new life is pretty much avoided like the plague right now.  not because i’m not happy for these friends that have wombs filled with life.  but my empty womb, my defective home for the baby that died, aches to see theirs full.  some days, i feel normal.  there are days that go by and i have my coffee and play with ezra and we have dinner and all go to bed, and i don’t even think about the fact that i should be almost 22 weeks pregnant.  other days, my emptiness feels like a black hole right in the center of my being.  like in a cartoon, when a giant cannon goes through the antagonist and all that’s left in it’s wake is a hole the viewer can see right through.  like that.  i feel like i’m walking around with a gaping hole in my midsection.

 

i have become the cautionary tale, the worst case scenario (but not really the worst case because it wasn’t really a baby, it was a fetus and it never really lived anyway-people really think like this and it makes me want to spit fire until i realize they don’t know.  they’ve never lost a baby.)  i’m the car accident that you pass by and you have to look because that’s what humans do. it’s why in the hours and days after i lost the baby, i had over one hundred people want to follow me on instagram and around twenty ask to follow me on facebook.  we can’t help it, we want to watch the tragedy unfold.  before i lost a baby, i did the same thing.  i wanted to know what happened, i wanted to hear the story.  maybe because i thought that if i faced their tragedy, if i made myself familiar with their loss, it would immunize me against my own.  maybe i thought that if i felt sorry for them and left a comment on their blog telling them how sorry i was, it would be like an insurance policy with god and he’d prevent it from happening to me. see, god? i extended my hand to this poor woman, and i prayed for her and i read her story so she doesn’t feel so alone.  so now i can be spared from the same fate, right, god?

 

but she doesn’t feel less alone just because i read her blog, and following a grief-stricken mother’s journey didn’t immunize me against losing a baby.  i’ve become the friend of a friend that lost a baby.  that mom that went to her 19-week gender scan and found out her baby had been dead for five weeks.  i’m that story now.  people will recite it and not even realize that they’re talking about a real person, a mama of two boys that sits here writing this as her two-year old wants to nurse and her six-year old asks why she cries alone at night in the living room.  at least my baby will live on in the repetition of our story.

 

all i want to do is move on. i hate being that sad, miserable person that can’t control her emotions and yells at her kids because she can’t handle just normal, everyday kid stuff.  i hate that i’m not pregnant anymore.  i hate that pregnancy will never be the same again.  it’ll never be this joyful, beautiful time where we think of names and look at cute clothes and imagine whether the baby will look like ezra or henry or none of us.  the only thing that will ease this awful pain and searing hurt is time and getting pregnant again.  i’d heard that about miscarriage and loss:  that getting pregnant again is really the only real, tangible way to move on.  i felt that way immediately.  the day after we lost the baby, all i could think about was conceiving again and then i’d immediately feel guilty for thinking of a new baby when the one we’d just lost was barely gone.  i scoured the internet for forums that had information on pregnancy after loss, how fast it could happen safely, stories of successful pregnancies after miscarriage.  like one of those forums held this golden ticket, a key that would unlock the door to my happy, glowing future.  like somewhere amongst the stories of pain and infertility and stillbirth, i’d find that one person that said, “this is what i did and now i’ve had four babies since my miscarriage, and i got pregnant the day after it happened.”  i want to find the book that tells me how to skip the bleeding and the anger and the impatience and the jealousy and the terrible irony of wearing a pad when i should be 22 weeks pregnant.  i just want to move on.

 

so how am i doing?  i’m surviving.  please know that your text messages and emails and calls are comforting to my soul.  i can’t tell you how much i appreciate those of you that have reached out to me.  but know that my answer will most likely be that i’m okay, hopeful, looking forward.  and know that i’m lying but only because you don’t really want to know how i am.  that i’m broken and barely hanging on.  that i feel like a leper, and everyone around me avoids me like the plague for fear that they’ll catch what i have and lose their baby, too.  that i am angry and hurting and wish that i could sleep for the next three months.

 

that all i want in the world is my baby back in my womb, safe, alive.

 

update:  there are moms that have lost babies and i’ve left comments on their blogs because i TRULY DO love them so very much and it physically hurt me when they lost their babies.  please know that my heart DOES AND DID hurt for their losses, and when i talk about following the story of a loss to immunize myself against my own loss, i mean that i may have thought that subconsciously.  NEVER would i read and comment on another mother’s tragedy with the intention of hoping to save myself.  i have friends that have lost babies and when i left a comment, it was with tears streaming down my face and a feeling of hopelessness, not with a selfish heart looking for salvation.

spread the bohomamasoul love!

  • http://thisenchantedpixie.org Polly

    oh honey I am so sorry for your loss. I know hard it is to have an empty womb sooner than you planned, and the heart wrenching grief when you see a pregnant belly.

    sending love and light to you

    xxxx

    • admin

      i’m so sorry you know this pain, sweet friend. i wish we weren’t part of this sisterhood of loss, but i’m thankful to know i’m not alone in my pain. thank you so, so much for your words of love, beautiful soul. i can’t tell you how much i needed them today.

      xoxoxox

  • rachel arnold

    love you sweet friend. know that no matter what, I am here if you need me. I wish I was closer so that I could come and hug your neck.

    • admin

      love you so much, rachel. so, so much. i want to come see you very soon! i need to hug your girls and YOU. i could really use a hug from you, my dear friend.

  • Erin

    Love and light and super soft squishy hugs

    • admin

      thank you, mama.

  • http://whoismel.blogspot.com mel dickerson

    you put it so well, those dark, deep, hole-ish feelings after losing a baby. it was like reading into those dark days of my heart after losing our baby. time truly does mend the wound that is so deep it feels like it’s unending.

    i grieve with you and for you. have lost two little ones myself and there is nothing to say that will ease the pain, but that i’m sorry. there is hope. cling to it, sweet friend. hang on.

    • admin

      mel, i’m so sorry. my heart aches for you, for all of us that have lost babies. it’s such a horrible thing to go through. but having friends like you reach out and let me know that i’m not alone, that life does move on and that hope is there, it helps. i don’t know what i’d do without friends like you tossing me these life lines. thank you so much, sweet friend. i’m hanging on.

  • Jayme

    Oh, sweet Tricia. I wish I could help you move through this, to get to that place you long to be, where it doesn’t hurt so deeply, where the pain of your loss is not as sharp. I wish there were words to help ease the ache, or some kind of technology that allowed me to hug your face from 3,000 miles away. For what it’s worth, I don’t see you as a “cautionary tale”. I see you as a mama who loves her babies, ALL of her babies, and whose deep, deep love for them makes losing them breathtakingly difficult to make peace with. We should all love our babies so much.

    I love you. I’m here for you. I’m hurting with you. I’m hopeful for you.

    • admin

      i love you. your words were perfect, jayme. of all the people that have offered me words of comfort, yours made me smile and feel hopeful in a very real way. like i can believe that good things will come in the wake of this sadness. i’ve said it so many times but, i wish you lived close by because i’d be that annoying friend that came over too much and never left you alone.

  • Shana

    My heart aches for you, Tricia. My loss was earlier than yours, but it’s true – pregnancy afterwards just isn’t the same. I still don’t feel at ease, even this close to the end, and yet you’re right – being pregnant again as soon as possible was the only thing I knew would help. I pray that you’re able to find peace in the little moments of happiness and that they gradually become bigger moments that overshadow the grief. I love you and am thinking of you!

    • admin

      i love you so much, lady. i’m so happy for you, and it gives me such a great sense of hope for my own story. thank you for being here for me, and know that you’re a very dear friend to my heart. shana, i’m so glad we found each other.

  • http://anchorfolk.com Hannah Braboy

    My heart is in shambles for you. I’m so, so sad. I wish I could take the pain away.
    Hannah Braboy recently posted…GiftsMy Profile

    • admin

      sweet hannah, you are my favorite. thank you, love. thank you for always bringing me words of comfort and love. i can’t even put into words how much you mean to my heart.

  • joy wilson

    oh dear tricia, my heart broke when i saw the update from your friend and i was one of those people who did not know what to say but who wept for you. i have and will pray for you and your boys.

    • admin

      oh, joy! thank you so much, sweet friend. your prayers are felt and greatly appreciated.

  • http://hormonal-imbalances.com Diana

    Oh Tricia.

    This was like reading my own story last year. :(

    And once again I felt that ache to make it all go away, make it stop, make everyone understand how it feels but to leave me alone and yet not and only say the right things. Which wasn’t anything at all.

    I was that woman. The one that would read and cry and leave a nice comment and pray that it never happened to me. And it did. And to you. And I hate this for us. So much. SO MUCH. Nothing protects against this part of life and it’s so unfair.

    All I can say (and I didn’t believe/want to hear this at first so it’s ok if you don’t) is that in this, there can come tremendous healing, strength, and life changes. It’s hard not to fight against it because at times it feels like, “If I let this turn into something good it’s because it was God’s will and I don’t want it to be…” But give it time, let yourself grieve and be sad and cry. It’s ok. I wish I had done that more.

    We jumped right into an adoption so please don’t let anyone tell you a timeframe for moving to the next healing phase. I deeply know that another baby won’t ever replace this one, but I can promise in some ways it helps by distraction and moments of joy until you can let yourself feel happiness again. I had to have that. So many plans, an entire lifetime gone in a flash, I had to have something to grab onto to pull me through those months. It didn’t work out, but it kept me moving forward.

    I’m always here.

    Diana
    Diana recently posted…Blissdom, Homeschooling, and More BlogsMy Profile

    • admin

      that’s exactly it, i need something to grab onto, to pull me forward. i feel like continuing with the forward motion is the only thing i can do right now. diana, you are such an inspiration to me. not just because you’re an amazing woman and mother and writer and friend, but because your heart is full of this loving-kindness and that’s hard to find these days. thank you, for everything. you have no idea how much your presence in my life right now helps me heal. i’m so happy for you, i can’t wait to meet your sweet boy. someday, i hope to hug you in person because i feel like we’ll be friends for all time. love to you, and i’m always here.

  • mandi

    My heart just aches for you. There isn’t a day that goes by when you and your beautiful family dont come into my heart. No words can be said to ease this pain…we love you so very much.

    • admin

      i love you so very much. my heart breaks all over again when i think of ella, of how i can’t just get it together enough to care for her. i want to, so badly. i just miss her, and i miss you, love. please know that there’s nothing more i’d love to do than go back to three weeks ago. this new life is not what i wanted for us. love you, mama.

  • http://abcsandgardenpeas.com/ Wendy @ ABCs and Garden Peas

    I have never read someone else’s story of loss that resonated so much with me. I have felt so many of the things you described, including and especially the subconscious insurance policy and the gaping hole that feels visible even to the strangers in Target. Now, I feel guilt sometimes for the children that I have. I just wanted to comment to extend my deepest sympathy and share the one thought that eased the pain from my losses: maybe someday I’ll have a daughter or a daughter-in-law, and maybe someday she will suffer a loss (I hope not, but the numbers say it’s likely) and just maybe the wisdom I’ve gained from my experiences will bring her some peace. Maybe.

    I wish you peace and gentle healing.
    Wendy @ ABCs and Garden Peas recently posted…Spinlight Preschool Apps on Sale: Just $1.99 on iTunes!My Profile

    • admin

      oh, wendy. thank you. thank you for sharing your words and thoughts with me, for letting me know that there’s someone out there that felt like i did and went on to live fully and have babies and not just survive, but thrive. i’m so sorry that you’ve lost a baby, i wish that no one ever had to feel these dark emotions and how heavy the weight of nothing really is. you are in my thoughts, friend. come back and visit any time.

  • Stefanie

    Praying for you. I have been there (lost my son at 18.5 weeks in April 2011) and it sucks. But please know that you can make it through and it will get better. You will always miss your precious baby and it will always hurt, but it gets easier to deal with and it becomes a part of your new “normal.” Sending you huge hugs and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

    • admin

      thank you so much, stefanie. i’m so sorry for your loss. your words and hugs and prayers are so greatly appreciated. sending you the same, my dear.

  • another grieving mother

    I can never find the right words.

    There are no right words.

    I’ve lost my own babies, I’ve successfully carried four others to term in the years since, but the pain never truly leaves. It becomes quieter, you think it’s gone, and then one day it randomly hits you that there ought to be another little one. You’ll think of the age they ought to be, you’ll picture your other children’s smiles and wonder what the one you lost would have looked like… and you’ll lose it all over again. Those wracking sobs that shake your whole body; the cries that sound like a wounded animal; the deep hole right in your middle that physically hurts; it all comes back. You’re left rocking back and forth, arms wrapped tight around your middle because that’s the closest you could ever come to holding your baby.

    With time it will happen less and less frequently, but it’s been 7 years since my most recent loss and 9 since the one before that, and it hasn’t stopped completely. I don’t think it ever will. I don’t think I ever want it to. I will always love my babies and miss them and to think about losing them without being so upset seems like a horrible neglect on my part. The strength of my pain signifies the strength of my sorrow, regret, and love.

    I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so cliche but I am. Please know that you are in many people’s hearts. Diana from Hormonal Imbalances directed her readers here… and I hope that my comment has brought you some small amount of comfort, or at least made you feel less alone. Sending much love for you, momma.

    • admin

      your comment made me feel like i’ll survive this, and become a different version of myself, a better one. your words were so beautifully put together, your comment was like something i’d hear myself say. thank you for coming here and reaching out because it DOES help. just knowing that i’m not alone, knowing that this will get better. it’s so true, what you say: i don’t ever want to NOT be upset when thinking about my baby. i want to always remember the ferocity of my love, my sorrow, my regret. all of it combines to become what i cannot have in my arms. these are the memories of my baby, and i never want to let her go. thank you so much, friend. please know how much it means to me, that you left this comment.

  • http://shortandsweetmama.blogspot.com/ Karri B

    My heart is broken for you. I know that pain all too well, as I lost twins last year, one at a time.

    Continue to be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling. The pain SUCKS like no other, but the honesty DOES help.

    You are SO RIGHT about people now knowing how to handle someone who has suffered miscarriage or stillbirth. It’s a much more personal pain. Cling to those that are there for you and don’t let them go.

    As far as getting pregnant again….the periods SUCK! The reminder of the empty womb burns like no other and people just don’t understand. Getting pregnant again may take some time. Each month it doesn’t happen you may feel like you’re broken, and that’s okay. But there is hope.

    I am 6-1/2 weeks pregnant with our rainbow. Not going to lie, I’m incredibly scared I will lose this one, too. But I leave it in God’s hands (which is awfully difficult to do). I am VERY excited to possibly have a baby in my arms again but I am being realistic.

    Take it one day at a time and be gentle with yourself. (((hugs)))
    Karri B recently posted…Not sure how to comfort a mom during her loss?My Profile

    • admin

      oh, karri. i’m so very sorry you lost your sweet twins. it’s so true, writing it out and baring my battered soul is so therapeutic. i feel like it releases some of the pain, or at least minimizes it’s stranglehold on my heart. your story gives me hope that i’ll conceive another sweet baby, even though it might not be easy. other pregnant people remind me of my empty womb, a womb that was faulty and broken and couldn’t keep my baby alive. but i have hope, slowly it’s becoming more obvious and more present in my forethoughts. thank you so much for reaching out to me, mama. i can’t tell you how much it means to me. i’m praying for you and your precious rainbow baby, and leaving it in god’s hands is all we can do in this life, right? sending you love and prayers.

  • http://whenbabysleeps.blogspot.com abra

    my heart is so broken for you. thank you for being so honest in this post. you know it’s going to help another mama heal and help mama’s who don’t know- know a tad bit more on how to help a friend who has lost. i know your grieving and it won’t end tomorrow. but i’m continuing to pray that a peace that surpasses all understanding will hold you, the Holy Spirit WILL carry you through.

    let the tears and words flow, mama. xo

    • admin

      oh, abra. thank you. praying for me is the one thing that there can’t be too much of right now. the holy spirit IS carrying me, the only thing that’s keeping me from falling into a black hole of sadness. you are such a wonderful and dear friend to my heart. please know how much i love you, mama.

  • AmandaBryce

    Sweet, sweet, mama… It’s such a hard time. I’ve been through it as well. Everyone’s grief is different, but it’s all so bitter. I pray for healing for your heart and womb. I pray for peace for your heart and soul. I know it’s not much right now to know that you are loved and being prayed for by many, but you are. Thank you for sharing your heart and grief. Even in your time of pain you are still touching others with your story. Much love and comfort to you. xoxo

    • admin

      oh, amanda. sweet, sweet friend. i’m so sorry you’ve been through this, too. i can tell you that your prayers are so very needed and appreciated. you have been such a wonderful friend to me, and i don’t think you know how much that means to me. so many people have turned away from me, people i’ve known for years and years. and you are a new friend that reached out when you didn’t really have to and i wish i could convey how deeply that moves me. you are so wonderful, another very rare gem. i am so thankful for you.

  • http://suzstreats.com Suz

    While my story is different, its much the same. I too went to that big u/s filled with hope & joy & left in tears. Your feelings & thoughts were mine then too. Let them out & know others are thinking & praying & crying along with you. Hugs!
    Suz recently posted…Babies First EasterMy Profile

    • admin

      thank you so much, suz. i’m heading over to your blog now. praying for you and your family!

  • http://ohmydarlinbaby.wordpress.com brittany

    i follow you on instagram & stumbled upon your blog several months ago. i feel the need to share this with you.. i lost our second child the end of january. only a handful of people even knew i was pregnant. no words or anything can ease how you feel right now & i know this to be true. i am so sorry for your loss. it is a thing i wish i never had to experience & makes me unsure of pregnancy in my future.
    for now love those babies & try to hold your head up.
    sending love from a fellow mourner.

    • admin

      i’m so sorry that you lost a baby, brittany. i hate that so many of us have been through such a horrific experience. i wish i could change this for you, for me, for all of us that feel lost and unsure about getting pregnant again and growing our families. it’s not fair, and all i can do is send my love to you and pray that we get our rainbow babies soon. you’re in my heart, friend.

  • Krystina Ehrlich

    Hi i am also familiar with losing a child to miscarriage. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage and that was 7 years ago next month on May 2. To this day I think about how things would be different if my baby survived. when you said “but not really the worst case because it wasn’t really a baby, it was a fetus and it never really lived anyway-people really think like this and it makes me want to spit fire until i realize they don’t know. they’ve never lost a baby” it is Exactly how i felt i was 6 weeks when i lost my baby, and i was told this by EVERY person i talked to. i also felt like getting pregnant to move on and i did. That pregnancy did last thankfully not to term but 5 weeks to term. No one knows how to handle these situations i have found that the only way to “move on” is to grieve i didnt let myself do so for 2 years. i was to focused on my first born my “rainbow baby” as it is called. and to be honest it didnt make it easier it was just pushing it aside until i felt i could deal with it. and to be honest it will never be OK! It is like any death, the only difference i have found is you are the only one who knows the person who died and so you grieve alone. yes your spouse or partner may grieve but not the same as you. the only person who knows this baby is you. you carried this baby and this baby was a HUGE part of your life it changed you in a way that no one else knows. and you have to give your self that time to grieve. you also should remember you are a strong, amazing woman and nothing can take that from you. EVER! you may feel weak but you are not. please feel free to talk to to me any time, even if its just to yell and scream at me to let it out because you need someone you can do that with to.

    oh and also i get so upset at seeing women with pregnant bellies also it reminds my of my lost little angel, and my 2 fighting preemies and everything they had to go through from being born to early.

    so for you and all suffering the loss for their BABYS not fetus because to me from they very first cell it is a baby, take it one day at a time. and remember it is ok and normal to grieve and not feel normal or ok. blessed be, Krytina.

    • admin

      thank you so much for your comment, krystina. i’m so sorry for your loss, but i’m so glad you have your rainbow baby! even though another baby can’t take away the ones we lost, it’s so comforting to know that getting pregnant again is a normal thing to want to do. you are a beautiful soul and i can’t tell you how thankful i am for you sharing your story and letting me know that it’s okay to feel how i feel.

  • Ruth

    I am so sorry for your loss. Every word resonated so much with me and how I felt when I lost my little boy last year, it’s a tough journey but slowly minute by minute you adjust to your new life. You’ll bring some old friends with you, leave some behind and make new ones on the way, take care xxx

    • admin

      thank you so much, ruth. i’m so sorry that you lost your little boy, and i wish you didn’t have to know this pain. i wish none of us “loss moms” never had to know the sadness that is wrapped up in that moniker. it’s so true, i know there are some friends that i’ll be leaving behind and i’m so incredibly grateful for the new ones that i’ve made because of this. thanks again for your words and your kindness.

  • Catie

    I don’t even know you, but I’m weeping for you. I lost a baby in February and I would never wish that pain upon my worst enemy. I wish I had magic words that could wipe away all of the grief for every woman who’s ever suffered a miscarriage because the anguish of it all seems almost too much to bear. Know that I’ll be lifting you up in prayer and hoping for healing to wash over your entire family during this time.

    • admin

      thank you so much, catie. your prayers and kind words are so greatly appreciated. i can’t tell you how much just leaving this comment means to me. i’m so sorry for your loss, and i’ll be praying for your family, and your kind heart.

  • http://babyschneider.wordpress.com Hawley

    Psalm 51:17

    What a beautifully honest post, Tricia. In my foolishness and selfishness, I wish I could strip your pain from you and take away the agony and loss. But I know that God is far more loving and wise than I could ever hope to be, and that He is present in suffering. His own son was made to suffer and it was through his very suffering that we are redeemed. What a shocking thing that it through death that life was given. What I’m tryin to say, I guess, is that the natural tendency in people is as you state: to gawk at tragedy and cross their fingers and hope it won’t happen to them; to try to make the bad thing good – to blow it off and push it under the rug, because they can’t handle the “heat” so to speak. Our God is not that way. Please do mourn. Know that many mourn with you and lift you up in prayer. No need to rush. Cry, like you said. Feel your emotions. But most of all, I hope you will cry at the foot of the cross (metaphorically, of course). I love you, sister. I’m sorry we, the plethora of folks who love you, can’t fix this or make it better. But I’m glad that God is present in suffering, because I think that is the only real comfort one can have. love love love.

    • admin

      god has been more present in this loss than anything else i’ve ever been through. the holy spirit is quite literally carrying my broken heart and tattered soul right now. i cry to the lord at night, when i’m alone and in the middle of the day when the enemy tries to sneak in and throw me into an abyss of pain and sadness and defeat. i’ve never been closer to the lord than i am right now. thank you for being such dear friend, hawley. a true friend. i love you so much.

  • http://jgrimbleby.blogspot.com/ Jessica

    I’m so sorry you are going though this. I wish I could offer you the right words to make you feel better. But, having been there myself, I know there are no right words. For me, there was only anger. Pissed off, this isn’t fair, anger. Just know that through it all, our God is still God and he is there waiting with open arms and a listening ear.

    Matthew 11:28 – Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
    Jessica recently posted…14/52My Profile

    • admin

      jessica, you are so wonderful. i’m so glad that i stumbled up on your blog because i have this feeling that we were meant to be friends. it’s funny because JUST TODAY my anger really reared it’s ugly head. the stages of grief are all twisted and mangled for me, not progressing in any order and the anger hit me so hard today. i just keep giving it to the lord and praying for the peace and strength not to let this pull me under. it’s people like you that bring me comfort and healing with your love and words. thank you, friend.

  • Julie

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m a bereaved mama too. I lost my first early baby at 12 weeks, two at 6 weeks and my son Peter at 41 weeks, two days. There are no words any of us can say to help you. All we can do is weep with you. <3

    • admin

      oh, julie. i am so, so sorry. i wish i could take away your pain, my pain, all the pain that is welled up in all the hearts of mamas that have lost their babies. please know how much it means to me to have you reach out. thank you.

  • Alyson

    My heart ached as I read this post. My words bring no comfort, I know…but I’ll continue to pray for you. You are loved by so many. I’m so, so very sorry Tricia.
    Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.

  • http://www.Forever29andcounting.com Ash D

    I just want you to know that I’m thinking and praying for you still. <3

    • admin

      thank you so much, ash. love to you and your sweet babies.

  • Abbie Carter-Smith

    Tricia. I think about you all the time. Hang in there. you are one strong mama, one strong woman. I wish we lived near each other because I most certainly wouldn’t avoid you like The Plague. xoxoxo

    • admin

      you are such a good person, abbie. i wish you lived closer because i’d bother you to hang out all the time! thank you for your sweet words and support, it means the world to me.

  • Maya

    I only just realized you were gone from my Instagram feed- my daughters always play with my phone and must have unfollowed people!
    Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry for your loss.
    I too lost two babies before becoming pg with my little one. D&C ‘s and depression.

    Sending you so much love from the Interwebs.

    • admin

      thank you so much, maya. i truly appreciate your love and kind words.