i can’t believe henry is done with first grade. i blinked and he grew up. i remember his first birthday, how when anyone asked how old he was, he yelled excitedly, “OOONNNEEE!” he spoke really early, and because he was my firstborn, i thought that was normal. then ezra came along and wasn’t really saying anything at all by his first birthday and i realized that henry was quite the smart cookie.
henry was, and still is, very sensitive. yelling upsets him to this day, so it’s a good thing we don’t yell in our house very often. i grew up with a fair amount of yelling, which is what happens when your dad is a douchebag. adam’s family never yelled, and i knew that i didn’t want yelling, so it worked out well for our gentle little firstborn. henry is very cognizant of the feelings of others, and he feels terrible when he inadvertently hurts someone’s feelings or physically hurts them in the course of playing. he’s a good soul, my little man.
he just turned seven and it felt like i crossed over into this other parenting world: the one where your baby is closer to the preteen years than to toddlerhood. it made me feel old, and very sad. but it also made me feel so proud of him, because he’s becoming such an amazingly kind human being, and that’s all i want: a happy and kind child. for his birthday, we took him to disney world and he got to swim with the dolphins at discovery cove. he was beyond thrilled, it was something he’d been begging to do since adam and i had done it when he was three. adam had surprised me for my birthday and mother’s day that year, and henry has been dying to go ever since. the minimum age for the program we wanted to do with him was seven, so we made sure to book our reservation months in advance. and it just happened that his day to swim with the dolphins was his ACTUAL seventh birthday. cue angels singing.
so we had a pretty great start to the summer months. swimming with dolphins and hanging out at disney, then coming back to the last week of school. in florida, the summer is my favorite time of year and not because it’s so hot you actually think you’re living in Gehenna. no, it’s because ALL THE SNOWBIRDS ARE GONE! that means we can go to a restaurant without waiting and getting dirty looks because ezra is yelling at the top of his lungs. it means no traffic and no snowbirds going five miles per hour in the left lane because they can’t find the walmart. it means empty beaches and a quiet town. i loathe how hot it is, i mean, LOATHE IT. but that’s the price you pay for peace here, i guess. you can usually find us inside or in water, those are the only two options.
i can’t end this post without a little update on my womb. i’m currently in my first two week wait, and i’m not very hopeful that i’ll see a positive. i expect absolutely nothing at this point, but i don’t think we timed our baby-making appropriately. i buy OPKs in bulk so that i can test twice a day (fyi: that’s how you can catch your surge if you haven’t been able to by only testing once per day), so i saw my tests progressively getting darker. i assumed that i would ovulate on friday, may 24th but i think i tested on that night and got a very dark positive. which means i most likely ovulated on may 25th, not the 24th. i have no idea why i didn’t mark on my chart which night i got that dark positive, maybe because i took the test late on either the night of the 24th or the 25th. for someone that is desperate for another baby, i am a terrible TTCer. so here we are on june 1st and i’m either 7 or 8DPO. i tested this morning and got a negative which would be right if i’m 7DPO. i’m pretty sure that i got that dark positive OPK on friday night, so that would make me 7DPO. i’ve had cramps, which is really odd for me because i don’t get cramps anymore. i used to get them, but that was before i had endometriosis removed in between my pregnancies with henry and ezra. it’s been years since i’ve had any cramps at all. i’ve had some odd symptoms but i think when you’re just aching to be pregnant, you overanalyze every single twinge, feeling, or sign.
i’m probably not pregnant. that makes me sad. but i knew i wouldn’t be so lucky as to conceive right after a loss. i’m not that person, good things like that don’t just happen to me. so there you go, an update. i’m hoping this summer brings lots of fun for the kids, and peace for me. i’m tired of wearing this sadness around like an old bra. it’s annoying but i just can’t get rid of it. it’s like an old friend, the only reminder i have of the baby we lost. i’m tired of being jealous, of being annoyed when i see a pregnant woman with a bunch of kids already. i’m tired of hearing about women that get their kids taken away by the state only to get pregnant again. i’m tired of hearing about all the ways that my life sucks right now.
so here’s to summer. please let it be a change in the wind of my life.