i can’t believe henry is done with first grade.  i blinked and he grew up.  i remember his first birthday, how when anyone asked how old he was, he yelled excitedly, “OOONNNEEE!” he spoke really early, and because he was my firstborn, i thought that was normal.  then ezra came along and wasn’t really saying anything at all by his first birthday and i realized that henry was quite the smart cookie.

henry was, and still is, very sensitive.  yelling upsets him to this day, so it’s a good thing we don’t yell in our house very often.  i grew up with a fair amount of yelling, which is what happens when your dad is a douchebag.  adam’s family never yelled, and i knew that i didn’t want yelling, so it worked out well for our gentle little firstborn.  henry is very cognizant of the feelings of others, and he feels terrible when he inadvertently hurts someone’s feelings or physically hurts them in the course of playing.  he’s a good soul, my little man.

he just turned seven and it felt like i crossed over into this other parenting world:  the one where your baby is closer to the preteen years than to toddlerhood.  it made me feel old, and very sad.  but it also made me feel so proud of him, because he’s becoming such an amazingly kind human being, and that’s all i want:  a happy and kind child.  for his birthday, we took him to disney world and he got to swim with the dolphins at discovery cove.  he was beyond thrilled, it was something he’d been begging to do since adam and i had done it when he was three.  adam had surprised me for my birthday and mother’s day that year, and henry has been dying to go ever since.  the minimum age for the program we wanted to do with him was seven, so we made sure to book our reservation months in advance.  and it just happened that his day to swim with the dolphins was his ACTUAL seventh birthday.  cue angels singing.

so we had a pretty great start to the summer months.  swimming with dolphins and hanging out at disney, then coming back to the last week of school.  in florida, the summer is my favorite time of year and not because it’s so hot you actually think you’re living in Gehenna.  no, it’s because ALL THE SNOWBIRDS ARE GONE! that means we can go to a restaurant without waiting and getting dirty looks because ezra is yelling at the top of his lungs.  it means no traffic and no snowbirds going five miles per hour in the left lane because they can’t find the walmart.  it means empty beaches and a quiet town.  i loathe how hot it is, i mean, LOATHE IT.  but that’s the price you pay for peace here, i guess.  you can usually find us inside or in water, those are the only two options.

i can’t end this post without a little update on my womb.  i’m currently in my first two week wait, and i’m not very hopeful that i’ll see a positive.  i expect absolutely nothing at this point, but i don’t think we timed our baby-making appropriately.  i buy OPKs in bulk so that i can test twice a day (fyi:  that’s how you can catch your surge if you haven’t been able to by only testing once per day), so i saw my tests progressively getting darker.  i assumed that i would ovulate on friday, may 24th but i think i tested on that night and got a very dark positive.  which means i most likely ovulated on may 25th, not the 24th.  i have no idea why i didn’t mark on my chart which night i got that dark positive, maybe because i took the test late on either the night of the 24th or the 25th.  for someone that is desperate for another baby, i am a terrible TTCer.  so here we are on june 1st and i’m either 7 or 8DPO.  i tested this morning and got a negative which would be right if i’m 7DPO.  i’m pretty sure that i got that dark positive OPK on friday night, so that would make me 7DPO.  i’ve had cramps, which is really odd for me because i don’t get cramps anymore.  i used to get them, but that was before i had endometriosis removed in between my pregnancies with henry and ezra.  it’s been years since i’ve had any cramps at all.  i’ve had some odd symptoms but i think when you’re just aching to be pregnant, you overanalyze every single twinge, feeling, or sign.

i’m probably not pregnant.  that makes me sad.  but i knew i wouldn’t be so lucky as to conceive right after a loss.  i’m not that person, good things like that don’t just happen to me.  so there you go, an update.  i’m hoping this summer brings lots of fun for the kids, and peace for me.  i’m tired of wearing this sadness around like an old bra.  it’s annoying but i just can’t get rid of it.  it’s like an old friend, the only reminder i have of the baby we lost.  i’m tired of being jealous, of being annoyed when i see a pregnant woman with a bunch of kids already.  i’m tired of hearing about women that get their kids taken away by the state only to get pregnant again. i’m tired of hearing about all the ways that my life sucks right now.

so here’s to summer.  please let it be a change in the wind of my life.



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  • Jayme

    Henry is such a beautiful soul. I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting him in person (or you, my cross-country soul mama!), but with some people you just…know. He’s going to be a profound presence in this world; what an amazing job you’ve done nurturing that.

    And as to the suckage, I’m so sorry. I wish I could shoulder the burden of your sadness for you, if only for a day so that you may find some peace. Know that you’re constantly in my thoughts, and I’m sending you all my love and good uterus thoughts. I’m here, always, xoxox.
    Jayme recently posted…Another Goodbye.My Profile

    • admin

      you just don’t know how much your kindness heals my heart, jayme. i’d give anything to be able to hangout with you and dylan, talk and laugh and have mama’s night out together. thank you for being here, always. you are one person that always knows what to say and how to make me feel better. i love you so much, and someday very soon, i will hug your neck with such force, you might just choke. you are my sunshine, dear friend.

  • Jessica

    I love the beautiful words you shared about your firstborn. And I winced about thinking seven being closer to preteen than toddlerhood because well, I’m not that far behind you. As for the baby stuff, I wish I had the right words to say to make the hurt go away. But unfortunately, I know all too well how hollow an empty womb feels after loosing a baby. Know that even though I have never met you in the flesh, I pray for you when I think of you (and to me, that is why the internet is so beautiful…random people praying for you!).
    Jessica recently posted…22/52My Profile

    • admin

      Jessica, every time you leave me a comment, I am reminded of how grateful I am for you coming to my blog in the first place! You always have such comforting words to share, and leave me feeling a lot better than I was before I read them. I hate that we have to be a part of the babylost community, but I’m so thankful for finding you in it.

  • Erin

    Oh I know both those feelings so well…As Maggie inches closer to eight. I feel like I am struggling to find my parenting path. I know what she needed before but this moody and sometimes stubbornly independent young woman is a bit puzzling to me. Not quite a preteen but also not really a toddler anymore. Also know the feeling of over analyzing every symptom when you are TTCing. So many months I was just soooo sure this was it. This was the month we would see our positive.

    • admin

      i know, we’re constantly having to adjust and realign our strategies as parents. it’s so hard to remain firm yet be open enough to allow them to grow and journey along their own path. it’s good to know we’re not alone. and yes, it seems like every month when we were trying to conceive baby #3, i thought for sure it was THE month. the one month i quit trying, that’s when we got pregnant. i had no idea, not a symptom or a clue that i was carrying our baby. i’m done trying for now. i can’t take anymore disappointment and sadness.