no baby here. my monthly visitor arrived, a perfect 28 days after my last one.
adam and i are hooked on the show “fringe”. we started it on netflix a few weeks ago after making our way through several other shows that were recommended to us. i’m not a sic-fi fan at all, other than j.j. abrams’ shows like “lost” and now “fringe” (i am a complete “lost” junkie, like, bought the box set with all the secret messages and hidden things). when i saw that “fringe” was done by j.j. abrams, i had to see what it was all about and we’ve been sucked in ever since.
the premise revolves around an FBI agent that is part of the fringe division, a department of the FBI that deals with paranormal or otherwise unexplainable events. her name is olivia, and olivia works with a man that has recently been released from a mental institution named walter bishop. walter’s son, peter, is his guardian and is an MIT drop-out. walter is a brilliant scientist that worked with a man named william bell, and together they tested out a psychotropic drug (cortexaphan) on children at a daycare center without parental consent. he was sent away to the institution after his lab assistant was killed in a fire in his lab at harvard some 17 years prior.
anyway, you find out in the second season that there is a parallel universe, and the drug that walter bishop tested out on the children was meant to help them cross over into this parallel universe. it’s revealed that olivia herself was one of the children that was subjected to the cortexaphan trials, and she was the child that showed the most promise in regards to crossing over, though it never actually happened. at the close of the second season, olivia does cross over, and faces william bell who has taken refuge in the alternate universe. he tells her that she is the only one that can save her universe from complete destruction.
a parallel universe. a universe exactly like ours, but slightly different. for example, in the show, the olivia in our world has a living sister and niece; in the parallel universe, olivia’s sister died during childbirth, and her niece died as well. could you imagine? a completely different plane of existence, happening right in front of our eyes but absent from our conscience. i wonder what that would be like.
maybe in the parallel universe, i’m still pregnant. i’m almost 29 weeks, with a big baby bump that i look at lovingly and run my hands over all day long, enjoying every second of my longed-for third pregnancy. in this parallel universe, papa talks to the baby every night, in the still darkness of our bedroom while the boys slumber peacefully beside us. the boys feel the baby kick and laugh when they feel the rolling limbs under their hands. we all go to the beach and i wear my bathing suit and watch the baby reach out for the sun as it hits my belly.
maybe there, i still thank god everyday for the gift of that baby. maybe i’m not sad and aching and hurt and angry. i’m not like that everyday here, but it’s inevitably a part of my life now. it can’t be avoided when you lose a baby. i don’t revel in those moments of pain, but i can’t ignore them. the me over there isn’t a part of that club yet.
in the show, walter bishop created a window of sorts that can actually give a glimpse into the parallel universe. it looks just like a regular window, but once it’s activated, it’s like looking at that exact place in time, but in the parallel plane of existence. in one scene, you see walter pointing the window at his deceased son’s bed and when he turns the window on, you see his son sitting on the bed, still very much alive in the parallel universe.
if i had a window into that world, i’d take my window into the bathroom and face it at the mirror. i’d turn it on and i’d see myself still pregnant, the pregnant me on the other side. i’d see the me over there taking a “belly shot” and i’d take a mental picture of my beautiful bump so that i could always know what could’ve been. i’d watch as the other me felt for a kick and then called over papa to feel our sweet baby dancing from within me.
if only i could live over there.