onto the next

no baby here.  my monthly visitor arrived, a perfect 28 days after my last one.

adam and i are hooked on the show “fringe”.  we started it on netflix a few weeks ago after making our way through several other shows that were recommended to us.  i’m not a sic-fi fan at all, other than j.j. abrams’ shows like “lost” and now “fringe” (i am a complete “lost” junkie, like, bought the box set with all the secret messages and hidden things).  when i saw that “fringe” was done by j.j. abrams, i had to see what it was all about and we’ve been sucked in ever since.

the premise revolves around an FBI agent that is part of the fringe division, a department of the FBI that deals with paranormal or otherwise unexplainable events.  her name is olivia, and olivia works with a man that has recently been released from a mental institution named walter bishop.  walter’s son, peter, is his guardian and is an MIT drop-out.  walter is a brilliant scientist that worked with a man named william bell, and together they tested out a psychotropic drug (cortexaphan) on children at a daycare center without parental consent.  he was sent away to the institution after his lab assistant was killed in a fire in his lab at harvard some 17 years prior.

anyway, you find out in the second season that there is a parallel universe, and the drug that walter bishop tested out on the children was meant to help them cross over into this parallel universe.  it’s revealed that olivia herself was one of the children that was subjected to the cortexaphan trials, and she was the child that showed the most promise in regards to crossing over, though it never actually happened. at the close of the second season, olivia does cross over, and faces william bell who has taken refuge in the alternate universe.  he tells her that she is the only one that can save her universe from complete destruction.

a parallel universe.  a universe exactly like ours, but slightly different.  for example, in the show, the olivia in our world has a living sister and niece; in the parallel universe, olivia’s sister died during childbirth, and her niece died as well.  could you imagine?  a completely different plane of existence, happening right in front of our eyes but absent from our conscience.  i wonder what that would be like.

maybe in the parallel universe, i’m still pregnant.  i’m almost 29 weeks, with a big baby bump that i look at lovingly and run my hands over all day long, enjoying every second of my longed-for third pregnancy.  in this parallel universe, papa talks to the baby every night, in the still darkness of our bedroom while the boys slumber peacefully beside us.  the boys feel the baby kick and laugh when they feel the rolling limbs under their hands.  we all go to the beach and i wear my bathing suit and watch the baby reach out for the sun as it hits my belly.

maybe there, i still thank god everyday for the gift of that baby.  maybe i’m not sad and aching and hurt and angry.  i’m not like that everyday here, but it’s inevitably a part of my life now.  it can’t be avoided when you lose a baby.  i don’t revel in those moments of pain, but i can’t ignore them.  the me over there isn’t a part of that club yet.

in the show, walter bishop created a window of sorts that can actually give a glimpse into the parallel universe.  it looks just like a regular window, but once it’s activated, it’s like looking at that exact place in time, but in the parallel plane of existence.  in one scene, you see walter pointing the window at his deceased son’s bed and when he turns the window on, you see his son sitting on the bed, still very much alive in the parallel universe.

if i had a window into that world, i’d take my window into the bathroom and face it at the mirror.  i’d turn it on and i’d see myself still pregnant, the pregnant me on the other side.  i’d see the me over there taking a “belly shot” and i’d take a mental picture of my beautiful bump so that i could always know what could’ve been.  i’d watch as the other me felt for a kick and then called over papa to feel our sweet baby dancing from within me.

if only i could live over there.

spread the bohomamasoul love!

  • Shana

    This brought me to tears! I pray that the parallel universe merges with ours soon and you get to experience all the joys of another pregnancy. I wish it so much for you.

    On a less serious note, we LOVED Fringe! So sad it’s over, but glad they got to wrap up the final season on their own terms. Next time you’re looking for a new show, try Firefly – it sadly was canceled after one season but is possibly my favorite show of all time. Well, maybe tied with Veronica Mars and My So-Called Life ;)

    • admin

      i am SO trying firefly next! i’ve gotten that recommendation before and now that you also mentioned it, i’m definitely watching it next! thank you for wishing for me, i need all the baby dust and good juju and prayers and whatever else there is.

  • http://thisenchantedpixie.org/ Polly

    (((hugs))) sending much love to you, my baby would have been due this past week…. it’s a hard one to get past isn’t it?

    and that show sounds interesting…. might have to check it out soon!
    Polly recently posted…Bits + Pieces >>>>My Profile

    • admin

      oh, polly. i’m so sorry. sending you so much love and light, this week and every week. losing my baby was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. all i want is to be pregnant again, and this is my first month trying after our loss. so to see another negative test is like my heart is being destroyed all over again. you definitely need to watch fringe!! it’s an excellent show!! i can send you it on dvd if you can’t find it there! (((((hugs))))

  • http://shortandsweetmama.blogspot.com/ Karri B

    Oh dear, this made me cry. I started thinking about *our* alternate reality and what my belly would have looked like with twins. My EDD came and went and it was horrific. A lovely window would, perhaps, ease that a bit.

    (((hugs)))
    Karri B recently posted…RetroMy Profile

    • admin

      i’m so sorry. i’m sending you so much love and peace. i look at your life and see your beautiful five babies, and think, “that’s my dream come true, to be able to have five babies.” perspective is everything, i guess.

  • Erin

    Oh sweety. I so hope you get that pregnancy soon! Sci fi Is my best escape….firefly was great so was Stargate….also Dr.who

    • admin

      thank you, sweet mama. i am starting firefly next! and i know dr. who is wildly popular so that might be on my list, too. it’s strange because i’m not a sic-fi person but fringe sucked me in. but so did lost, so i’m thinking that j.j. abrams is my kind of sci-fi guy.

  • http://lemonadeandstarfish.blogspot.com Missy Wiggins

    Trish, I wish any of our words could provide true comfort for you. The feeling of sadness over loss just plain sucks. I’m just hopeful for you. That is all I can really be.
    I’m not a big sci-fi fan either but every once in a while I find something I enjoy. I’ll have to check it out. Hugs and love to you!
    Missy Wiggins recently posted…For the nerds.My Profile

    • admin

      thank you so much, missy. your words do bring comfort, just knowing that there are people out there that are thinking of and praying for me. that somebody is pulling for me, for us, for our family. it truly does bring a sense of peace. you have to check out fringe! it’s awesome, and so well-done. i think you’ll like it.

  • Megan Tietz

    Oh, mama.

    We loved Fringe and only tried it because of Lost, too. It’s one of my favorite series ever now.

    That idea of a parallel universe, a window into What Could Have Been and If Only … How wonderful and terrible that would be.

    My heart aches with you as you mourn the loss of your baby girl. I don’t have anything brilliant to say, just know that I’m praying for your heart as you grieve.

    • http://www.bohomamasoul.com/ Tricia Miller

      first of all, getting a comment from you on my blog may be the highlight of 2013 thus far. second, fringe is now one of MY favorite series of all-time, too! it really is brilliant, and the characters are so well developed, you feel connected to them. i kind of like it even more knowing that you love it, too ;)

      you’re right, it would be wonderful and terrible. thank you for your prayers, sweet mama. i can’t tell you how much they mean. i just keep praying that the Lord brings me peace in the wait for our rainbow baby, and that He blesses us with a rainbow at all. again, thank you, megan. coming here and commenting truly makes me so very excited, and even more grateful. much love to you and yours.